Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
