we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
