If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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