its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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