So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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