my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
