it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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