I'm jealous of your bromance
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize