At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My room smells like vodka and shame
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
