Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
