At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
