I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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