and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
