Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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