Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
