i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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