i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
They have beer where we have blood.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize