I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
