Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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