life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
