I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
