you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
