What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
