My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
