i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
