whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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