We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
