If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
