i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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