textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
