I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
