Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
