I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize