Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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