I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
