And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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