You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
