I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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