When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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