I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
