i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
