If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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