I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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