I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
