At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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