Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
