trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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