you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i believe in u and ur pee
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
