Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
