Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
