You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
