you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
