So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize