you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
