I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
