the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Randomize
