I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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