You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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