I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's shark week go big or go home
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
