The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
