totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
