I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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