First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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