never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize