No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I have already put on my inside pants.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
