mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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