I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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