Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize