3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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