My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
