You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
