If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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