Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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