I only kidnapped one of them. chill
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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